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oh my god so my mom’s friends with an AP grader

and he sent me a list of dumb shit people wrote on their APUSH exams 

it’s kind of amazing

Question 1 (DBQ)

In the post–Civil War United States, corporations grew significantly in number, size, and influence. Analyze the impact of big business on the economy and politics and the responses of Americans to these changes.  Confine your answer to the period 1870 to 1900.  

  • The Carnegies and Rockefellers towered economically, like Hagrid over a working-class Umbridge.
  • Big businesses used dirty tactics to remain the Alpha Dog.
  • The cost of living during this time changed jurassically.
  • Rockefeller had a lot of gas.
  • According to Documents A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, and J, big business was big.
  • Women worked in the late 1800s doing stuff like selling Tupperware.
  • Workers were like zombies to their bosses.
  • Andrew Carnegie was a fan of the Social Gospel of Wealth.
  • Sadly all of this glamour would come to an abrupt end once they stepped foot inside the factories.  They were working in dangerous and horrific conditions.  The bodies were being worked into exhaustion.  They were being pushed to the brink of death day after day after day.
    • Someone wondered aloud if this was actually about the AP Reading.
  • The jobs were poor and very monogamous.
  • The unsanitary food led to the publication of The Jungle Book.
  • Some factory jobs were so easy, even women could do them.
  • With the invention of the light bulb by Benjamin Franklin, work could be done at any time or place.
  • As Ben Parker once said, with great power comes great responsibility.  Politicians during the Gilded Age did not heed that advice.
  • Some women even slept inside the t-shirt factory while it burned.
  • Monopolies were stopped by the Anti-Sherman Act.
  • Politicians favored a lazy fair economy.

Question 2
Analyze the effect of the French and Indian War and its aftermath on the relationship between Great Britain and the British colonies.  Confine your response to the period from 1754 to 1776.

  • Taxes drove a giant steak between the colonies and England.
  • Colonists found the taxes very irrigating.
  • The French and Indian War was finally ended by the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo.
  • The Declaration of Independence said that we would govern ourselves and Great Britain could go suck it.
  • When conflict peaked at Lexington and Concord, the Confederate States of America had a new set of grievances.
  • And then, John Handcock wrote the Declaration of Independence.
  • After war comes aftermath.
  • As a result of the Tea Act, Nathaniel Bacon and his followers burned down Jamestown.
  • King Henry III rejected the Olive Branch Petition.
  • France and India worked together to beat the British.
  • It was during the American Revolution that F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote “The Star-Spangled Banner.”
  • Basically, King George was being a giant prick.
  • Crispus Attucks was a mater for the cause of revolution.
  • The Specie Circular letters helped push for independence.
  • Colonists protested taxation without reputitation.
  • The French and Indian War, better known as the Seven Days War …
  • Parliament said that the colonies had virtuous representation.
  • In the French and Indian War, England beat Napoleon.
  • Samuel Adams took time out of his busy day brewing beer to found the Sons of Liberty.
  • The colonists thought the British were doing a favor and didn’t think they should have to pay.
  • The Quartering Act put soldiers in people’s houses to keep them settled down.
  • Events such as the Stamp Act and the Whiskey Rebellion led to the Revolutionary War.
  • Britain passed the Navigation Acts of 1861.
  • The boycott on British goods led to the creation of the Monroe Doctrine.
  • After the French and Indian War, James Smith wedded Pocahontas.
  • During the Seven Years War, which lasted from 1754 to 1768…
  • Novels like “Comin Since” convinced colonists to turn on England.
  • Due to the Proclamation of 1763, the colonies lashed out with Lewis and Clark adventuring into the unknown lands of the West.
  • At the Hartford Convention, colonists complained about taxation without representation.
  • After the French and Indian War, colonists expected a return to normalcy.
  • The Colonists dumped tea into Pearl Harbor.
  • Benjermin Franklin founded the House of Burgesses.
  • The French and Indian War was ended by the Treaty of Versatilities.
  • In response to the Tariff of Abominations, colonists threw some tea off a boat.
  • The Quartering Act required colonists to house, feed, and pamper English soldiers.
  • At the Boston Massacre, colonists were throwing ice and lobsters at British troops.
  • The British started diseasing the natives with blankets covered in epidemics.
  • The Declaration of Independence was signed in 1776 1774.
  • It is widely accepted that the first battle of the Revolutionary War was fought at Bunker Hill.
  • Obviously the British won because the French aren’t exactly known for winning wars.
  • Shaking up a Coke bottle is never advisable, especially if you plan to drop a Mentos inside.  Unless you’re trying to cause an explosion, you’ll unpleasantly be faced with a large, sticky mess to clean up.  Unfortunately, Coke and Mentos weren’t invented in 1763, so the British could not learn that lesson.
  • Britain was violating the Constitution’s Taxation Without Representation clause.
  • And then, one faithful night, the Boston Tea Party occurred.
  • Franklin Roosevelt was a Rough Rider who fought in the French and Indian War who would later be elected president.
  • The Sons of Liberty were responsible for the Boston Tea Massacre.
  • During the Boston Tea Party, the colonists bombed the harbor… with tea.
  • The Proclamation of 1763 forbid expansion beyond the Alps.
    • Also: Andes Mountains, Appaltron Mountains, Appapplation Mountains
  • British soldiers had the right to install themselves in colonists’ homes.
  • Without this war, the Declaration of Independence might not have been written in 1766, or perhaps at all.
  • Who threw tea into Boston Harbor?: the Liberty Boys, the Liberty Brothers, Brothers of Liberty
  • Who got killed at the Boston Massacre?: Crispus Addicts, Crippus Addix, Corpus Crispus, Habeas Corpus
  • The policy of not enforcing mercantilist rules: slutery neglate, sanitary negligence, statutory neglect, solitary neglect

Question 3
Analyze how western expansion contributed to growing sectional tensions between the North and the South.  Confine your answer to the period from 1800 to 1850.

  • People for slavery and people against slavery fought in Bloody Kentucky.
    • Another kid said basically the same thing, but said “Bloody Arkansas”
  • Slaves were mostly conjoined in the South.
  • I think the South kept slaves just to make the North mad.
  • Slaves rose up, like in Bacon’s Rebellion.
  • And then in 1820, Abraham Lincoln signed the Missouri Compromise.
  • John Brown failed at Harpers Fairy.
  • The bondage between north and south began to deteriorate.
  • There was an equal number of free states and slave states in the 13 colonies.
  • In the War of 1812, tanks helped the North beat the South.
  • John Tyler ran for president with the slogan “Tippecanoe and Tyler Too,” referring to a battle he fought in during the Mexican War.
  • Peggy Eaton made herself very available to government officials.
  • Those who could see the West began salivating.
  • Slavery was debated during the Hester-Wayne Debate.
  • Harriet Tubman increased sectionalism with her novel Uncle Tom’s Cabin.
  • The Kansas-Nebraska Act, created by Stephen Douglas MacArthur…
  • John Brown raided a ferry called the Harper.
  • The Kentucky-Kansas Compromise solved the slavery problem.
  • Slaves couldn’t exist above Missouri’s border of 36-24-36.
  • Manifest Destiny said that the world was our godforsaken right.
  • Recent studies have shown that Abraham Lincoln was a vampire hunter.  And everyone knows that southern planters were vampires using human slaves to do their bidding.
  • One of the most famous conductors on the underground railroad was Sojourney Weaver.
  • The West: the first final frontier.
  • Birmingham Young took the Mormons to Utah.
  • North Caroline was the first state to succeed.
  • Thomas Jefferson authorized the Mississippi Purchase.
  • The south sent groups like the Donner Party out to settle the West.
  • Harry Truman led many slaves to freedom.
  • Pioneers moved west on the Organ Trail.
  • Once they reached California they were called Sixty-Niners, which meant they were gold hunters.
  • The caning of a Senator led Congress to pass the Gag Reflex.
  • States like Canada and Arizona were allowed to vote on the question of slavery.
  • As a result of the Three-Fifths Compromise, slaves could only vote 60% of the time.

Question 4
Analyze the origins and outcomes of the intense cultural conflicts of the 1920s.  In your response, focus on TWO of the following. 

Immigration Prohibition Religion

  • Prohibition was a non-alcoholic drink recipe for disaster.
  • In the 1920s, Richard Nixon passed the Chinese Exclusion Act.
  • One of the most well-known gangsters in the 1920s was Al Gore.
  • Al Pacino was a famous bootlicker.
  • In response to the immigrants, they passed the Alien Seduction Acts.
  • It was hard to tell the Irish apart from each other, since they all had red hair and green eyes.
  • One of the most successful gangsters in the 20s was Tony “Scarface” Montana.
  • Chicago’s gangs were led by Truman Capote.
  • People would consume alcohol at illegal bars called “talkies.”
  • The famous case Scopes v. Monkey was about evolution.
  • Young adults would pick up women without meeting their parents.  They would then go out and do unreligious things.
  • Immigrants brought diseases, but worst of all, they brought their religions.
  • In the Roaring 20s the fashions were dandy and the businesses were making that sweet candy.
  • The Roaring 20s swept over the country like an inebriated tornado.
  • Prohibition was a fight against boos.
  • When I think of the 1920s, I think of Boardwalk Empire.  Have you SEEN that show???
  • Prohibition led to other 1920s revolts such as rock ‘n roll music.
  • People consume alcohol for different reasons, such as parties, sporting events, or because it is DELICIOUS.
  • The 1920s were like a lap dance inside an atheist rock bar.
  • Flippers loved to smoke and drink.
  • The Voltage Act banned liquor.
  • In the Rolling 20s…
  • The Kuts Klute Klan was very racist.
  • Hooch was sold in underground bars known as sharpees.
  • Procreation led to the creation of speakeasies.
  • Political bosses like Boss Hogg would help immigrants get jobs.
  • One of the most famous authors in the ‘20s was Gloria Steinbeck.
  • America was becoming a blender for bodies.
  • Blacks would do the Ghost Dance to express themselves in Harlem.
  • Diehard feminists such as Margaret Thatcher…
  • In the early ‘20s, blacks made up a majority of the slave population.
  • We became a nation where sex was a thing for fun and could be purchased.  We went from “celibate” to “sell-a-butt.”
  • There was a man who made history in the world.  A man whose name shall never be forgotten.  That man is Charles Darwing.
  • Immigration and prohibition aroused society.
  • Many Irish and German immigrants came from Ireland.
  • F. Scott Fitzgerald aptly named the 1920s “The Gilded Age.”
  • The Enlightenment urged people to rid themselves of impure thoughts, so they passed Prohibition and the zoot suit riots broke out in New York.
  • When alcohol was dumped into the streets, people grabbed buckets to catch it before it went into the sewers.
  • All the old immigrants brought were diseases and potatoes.
  • Drugs in the 1920’s messed with many people’s heads and changed their views on religion.  They thought that God was okay with drugs.
  • The 2nd Great Awakening happned during the 1920’s.  Priests would come on the TV night and day and tell people to put down the beer and pick up the Bible.
  • To protest drinking, Carrie Nation would go around to bars with a hatchet and cut off people’s hands.
  • People were partying all the time, women were basically just putting out all over the place, and many other things.
  • Jazz artists such as Huey Lewis were often found in pubs or gathering where alcohol was available.

Question 5
Compare and contrast the Cold War foreign policies of TWO of the following presidents. 

Harry Truman (1945–1953) Dwight Eisenhower (1953–1961) Richard Nixon (1969–1974)

  • Eisenhower threatened massive retardation on the Soviets.
  • The brutal Vietnamese dictator Viet Cong…
  • Nixon continued Andrew Johnson’s policies in Vietnam.
  • Yalta said that Germany would help invade Japan.
  • JFK allowed Nixon to be president during the moon landing.
  • Truman enlisted the Berlin Aircraft to support Berlin.
  • Nixon was always throwing up peace signs – this says a lot about his foreign policy.
  • McCarthyism inspired literature like The Scarlet Letter.
  • During the Civil War, both sides built nukes.
  • Ike developed the hydrogen bombshell.
  • During the Cold War, nuclear bombs AND atomic bombs were used.
  • Truman was openly anti-Communist, and when it came to Korea, he put his troops where his mouth was.
  • The scariest 12 days of the Cold War were during the Cuban Missile Crisis; this is why the time period is known simply as “The 13 Days.”
  • Vietnamization allowed U.S. troops to leave so the natives could fight each other.
  • Nixon secretly dropped nuclear bombs on Cambodia.
  • Eisenhower had millions of dollars sent to education for AP programs to keep America’s next generation ready to fight Communists.


  • I wish Bob Ross was still alive.
  • Instead of an essay, I give you…. A very poorly-drawn kitty.
  • I think I should rethink my desire to be a history teacher.
  • The girl across from me has HUGE boobs.  I can NOT concentrate.
  • McDonald’s is the best fast food in the world.  It makes me happy when I am sad and it makes fat people happy, and there are a lot of fat people in the world.
  • (traces hand on the page) Hey AP reader… HIGH FIVE!!!!!!!
  • Congrats, you made it through my essay.  Sorry about the handwriting; I know it’s terrible.  Just want to say that you should keep your head up – you’re doing a great job!  And that shirt looks terrific on you.
Oh good old APUSH… sorry for the spam, but I was tearing up skimming this… maybe someone can relate.

(Source: robotbears)

— 2 years ago with 13861 notes
#APUSH  #history  #AP  #highschool